Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
