If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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