sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
