So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
