in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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