he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
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the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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