Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
