I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
