if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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