Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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