every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
