he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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