god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
