How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
