Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
