i think i have two assholes
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Send help, water and tortillas.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
