Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
