Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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