My first STD was from a foam party
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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