So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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