Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
