Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
