I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet