I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
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I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.