found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
