Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
