she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
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Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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