Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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