Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
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You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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