i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
