Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
