I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
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I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
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How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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