I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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