I can't watch pbs sober anymore
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
