Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
