She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
