So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
