i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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