I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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