were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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