I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
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2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
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How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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