My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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