Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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