you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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