piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
