did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
