Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
