i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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