I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
