This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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