I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have feelings that need drinking.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
