Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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