I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
