yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
