Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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