I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
